Sunday, July 24, 2016

And The Many Men She Falls For

This is a portion of the life of a friend .

She grew up with a father and many brothers and many more male relatives. Rumor said that her father abused her sexually when she was a child, no one knows for sure but some knew something "might" had happened. Her brother abused her sexually and that's for sure. She was treated badly by everyone, no one loves her or respect her. Maybe because they are a dysfunctional family and everyone abuse those younger and weaker than him/her.

And guess what?  everything psychology said about women from abusive background who will fall in for the wrong men happened to her.

Her first love was when she was 17 and she was torn between love, fear of being caught -because love was/ is still a taboo- and being taught that love and meeting men is wrong in her religion. So it stopped after a while. The funny thing is that everyone knew about the story but after it was over and she was hit by the same brother who abuse her sexually when she was younger.

5 years later she fell for another man and almost get caught and it ended too in a very short time.
None of them were bad but they were wrong for her.

And then there were the internet ... and through that she met so many men, she hated most but , sadly, feel for the worst.
She still wonder what made her fell for the wrong ones, were they the only one she knew how to deal with ? was she a magnet for such bad guys? or maybe those are the ones she thought she deserved??
She kept falling in love with the wrong ones over and over, they abused her emotionally and mentally but she still wanted them.

She knew that she is sick and that she believes that she deserves the worst because she isn't good or beautiful and that they are the ones who would accept her. She knows that she needs to love and respect herself more. She knows her condition, she knows that she is sick but she doesn't know how to get help and how to move on, all her attempts fail and when she thinks it's over, the cycle of abusive men comeback in different form.

Now she is older, and like every old woman she thinks no one will want her but with her abusive past things are worse for her, so she is falling in love again with a married man who "only" wants to have fun, this time she goes further, she is crazier, and when she told him that she is in love, he told her that he never promised her anything, and so she broke it up but still longing for him. This story is her worst because it lasted longer.

She called me today crying saying that she doesn't know what to do after calling him again but he was so cold. She knew he doesn't want her, but doesn't know how to stop longing for him.

I told her what do you expect, they are simply men, and they prey on weak vulnerable women.
but honestly what do I know, I am worse than her.

Friday, November 13, 2015

To Be Loved

I can't blame anyone on this, I am too old to play the game of blame and to fall for it. And because if I lack something that I should of had had it then it's because those who should of had given it to me do lack it themselves.

You can have the world's love when you grow up, have everything you need and was looking for. But all that can be in the wind the moment you feel unloved by a complete stranger, someone you know nothing about, someone you probably don't even think of even for a fraction of a second in any given day..and one word from them can kill you, make you think like a crazy and do the unthinkable to gain their love and respect
all that because your main purpose in life is to please everyone , to be loved by everyone, even those you don't love or respect.

love your kids, tell them you love them , so when they grow up they won't be looking for it in the words of others, they won't be gaining it by not being themselves to please and be loved by others.
Tell them that you love them so they can be themselves.

Looking to please and be loved by others is the roots of all evil.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

My Dreams

Who would bring my dreams and rights back to life ?
Who would make them possible?
Who would make me want to be alive and happy again ?

One thing I am sure of so far, it's not me :(

Friday, February 20, 2015

The Job that Wasn't Mine

This post is inspired by this article (Arabic).

Like every child - I guess- I wanted to be a doctor. Then , I don't remember what exactly do I want to be. After that, dreams vanish so reality would take place. Two realities actually: First, that my family is a poor one and they need someone to help them, though being before the last shouldn't be a concern of mine.Second: that women can either be doctors -which wasn't OK for most families back then- or teachers, so I became a teacher.

I was one of those first unlucky, our salaries were way below what we should have, and I was sent to a far away village, which mean we have to leave by dawn and come back at 4 every day, out of those 12 hours we used to spend 6 on the evil road.

I didn't like the job at the beginning and refused to go but was forced and hit severely to go, the only way out of that situation was through my second attempt to commit suicide and sadly that didn't work out and left me sick for a while.
The money was good - little but good- especially for someone who never have such money, and it helped us get out of situations that we couldn't otherwise.

Then I was one of the luckiest who moved back to the city in a year. Working at a school in the city is completely different , I loved it and worked hard to be something. Short story shorter things didn't work out the way I wanted or dreamed of.

I was the lone breadwinner of the family and that's tough and hard. ( Please if you are reading this and you have one breadwinner of your family don't make it harder on them by blaming or complaining.. you have no idea how shitty they feel ).

In October 2016 I will be working for 20 years. I wonder if I am qualified as being in work for 35 years cuz I never took a time off -beside the summer vacation and the Gulf War in 1990- since I first attended primary school :)

I don't know if I can or will be able to retire anytime soon, not because I will be bored to death for lack of doing things in here, but because I am still the breadwinner and I still didn't buy a house for us to settle in and because my salary isn't what it shall to be -like many- and retirement now would mean I would be back close to poverty again.

The frustrating part is that for 19 years I got no saving, I am still in debt and I didn't achieve what I was looking for, it's not my dream job, that job wasn't mine.
(let's leave it to that or else my vent would be evil)

If you asked me a few years ago "what do you want to be?" I would say a radio host or a reporter.
Now, I want to be a volunteer to save the poor and animals.Sadly, in here things aren't that easy to be done.

So until further on.. I am stuck in here and wish to be stuck here until I got what I want or find a better job emotionally and physically and with no one around :)

P.S: I am writing here to vent mostly not because I am looking for sympathy. Thank you :)

Saturday, February 7, 2015

9 Things You Should Be Able to Say About Your Life

That's my statue about the 9 things you should be able to say about your life ..

1-I have kept an open mind to new ideas and experiences.  
 ( let's say up to 90% )

2-I am following my heart and intuition.                               
 (mostly the first not the last )

3-I am being honest with myself.                                             
 ( 90% of the time)       

4-I am making a difference.                                                    
 ( I don't think so anymore)

5-I don’t need anyone else to complete me.                          
 ( not to complete me but to be there for me... anyone available for love? ;) )
6-I have been brave enough to be vulnerable.
( I am always vulnerable... and that's a big problem )

7-I have forgiven those who once hurt me.
( YES.. but new ones always manage to take their places) 

8-I persevered through tough times.
(95% of those rough times and I am scared to not be able to when things get tougher)

9-I have no regrets.
(My whole life is nothing but a big blackboard flashing "REGRET" )