Friday, August 12, 2016

Silly Rants

Allow me to rant a bit. I have been serious for so many posts.

I am sad, yes for the silliest reasons as you may think, but I guess the root of my sadness are deep despite its shallow face, or not.

This is a cat rant that almost made me cry.

I love animals, I guess everyone knows by now. Especially cats and dogs.  Dogs are impossible to find around here. About two weeks ago, I saw one riding a car and my heart couldn't be happier.

Cats can be found every and any where.The problem is my mother won't allow me to have one. I know I am not a child to have my mother permission but I just can't make her angry and things are making her angry easily these years, and she isn't a fan of cats. I guess almost everyone in Saudi Arabia hates them.

Anyway, about two months ago, my sister show me two kittens in the building where we live who wanted food, she gave them some and that's that, but then every time they saw us the youngest one came running to us, as if she knew us,  and it's obvious she was looking for food.
So we take turns , my sister and I, to give them"the kitten, her younger sister and mom" food and water twice a day. The youngest one doesn't fear us, and while her mom and elder sister ran, she stays put. After a while even the mother and sister won't ran but they won't approach us they way she does. We took her to the vet once because of her eyes and we kept getting her medicine until she got better.

Sadly, almost everyone in the building hats cat, so now everyone insists that the smell in the building is because of the cats and its food, despite how awful the building is turning to lately and nobody cares until they saw the cats !!! Stupid stupid stupid people.

Earlier today, I was putting some food for them and the guy who collect garbage told me that "X" told him to get rid of the cats because they are polluting the building.
I wanted to scream at him and tell him to tell "X" to fuck himself, that arrogant fuck, to go look everywhere in this garbage we are living in and see the things they threw and now the cats are the reasons !!!
But I just told him to ignore him, he asked us to talk to him as it seems he doesn't want to throw them, but I told him that if he had to then he can put them outside the building not away, and he said that what he was going to.

 We left after that and we look for the youngest one but couldn't find her and my heart sank, I know this time I was too much attached and would cry later tonight, when we came back, i mimic her voice and she came down the stairs :) and my heart was so happy, I couldn't stop kissing her.

I ask my mom again to allow us to have her in the the apartment but she was made and said no.
If she knew how much I have to endure not to upset her :(

One day, I will raise a cat in my house and won't let anyone touch her/him or said a bad word to her/him.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Love Is Selfish

They are both married, but not to each other. She loves him , I am assuming that because usually women cheat due to love unlike men.

She used to know him in her twenties, her mom refused that relationship, because here it's a sin on you and a shame to the whole family.

But she kept seeing him. Eventually she married her cousin and on her first day it was known by everyone that she wasn't a virgin, while her mother and her sisters knew that it wasn't what she claims, the rest of the family believed that it was what they all heard about, a special kind of hymen.

Days pass by and  she discovered that she was pregnant by her ex who raped her, as she claimed, while she was visiting him in his house and with the presence of his mother. And with the help of her mother and brother she had an abortion. 

Things then moved on and she had many children with her husband, things weren't good with him and continued to deteriorate. She wasn't happy, her husband treated her so badly, hit her, kick her out of the house, claim that she is not faithful to him, took her money, but she stayed with him and her never tried to divorce her. They are still together and they still hate each other.

Now people are talking to her mother, telling her that her eldest daughter is still seeing and helping her ex-lover financially and that the wife of that ex is threatening to call the police for her daughter, and that the family's reputation would be tarnished and things will get awful. That she, the mother, need to stop and reason her daughter or... .

The mother is now in huge pain, she is scared of what might happen, she is ashamed of what is her eldest daughter is doing, she is concerned about the family's reputation, and she wonder what she shall do??

I don't judge, I stopped judging people and actions long time ago.

It's her life, it's her choices, but it's a really scary situation and none of us would understand it unless we are in her shoes, and I never want to be in ther.

I can't blame this woman , I guess she is in deep but she can't and won't understand how hard her actions would be on everyone around her especially her children, her mother, and her sisters.

Love is indeed blind, love is selfish.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

And The Many Men She Falls For

This is a portion of the life of a friend .

She grew up with a father and many brothers and many more male relatives. Rumor said that her father abused her sexually when she was a child, no one knows for sure but some knew something "might" had happened. Her brother abused her sexually and that's for sure. She was treated badly by everyone, no one loves her or respect her. Maybe because they are a dysfunctional family and everyone abuse those younger and weaker than him/her.

And guess what?  everything psychology said about women from abusive background who will fall in for the wrong men happened to her.

Her first love was when she was 17 and she was torn between love, fear of being caught -because love was/ is still a taboo- and being taught that love and meeting men is wrong in her religion. So it stopped after a while. The funny thing is that everyone knew about the story but after it was over and she was hit by the same brother who abuse her sexually when she was younger.

5 years later she fell for another man and almost get caught and it ended too in a very short time.
None of them were bad but they were wrong for her.

And then there were the internet ... and through that she met so many men, she hated most but , sadly, feel for the worst.
She still wonder what made her fell for the wrong ones, were they the only one she knew how to deal with ? was she a magnet for such bad guys? or maybe those are the ones she thought she deserved??
She kept falling in love with the wrong ones over and over, they abused her emotionally and mentally but she still wanted them.

She knew that she is sick and that she believes that she deserves the worst because she isn't good or beautiful and that they are the ones who would accept her. She knows that she needs to love and respect herself more. She knows her condition, she knows that she is sick but she doesn't know how to get help and how to move on, all her attempts fail and when she thinks it's over, the cycle of abusive men comeback in different form.

Now she is older, and like every old woman she thinks no one will want her but with her abusive past things are worse for her, so she is falling in love again with a married man who "only" wants to have fun, this time she goes further, she is crazier, and when she told him that she is in love, he told her that he never promised her anything, and so she broke it up but still longing for him. This story is her worst because it lasted longer.

She called me today crying saying that she doesn't know what to do after calling him again but he was so cold. She knew he doesn't want her, but doesn't know how to stop longing for him.

I told her what do you expect, they are simply men, and they prey on weak vulnerable women.
but honestly what do I know, I am worse than her.

Friday, November 13, 2015

To Be Loved

I can't blame anyone on this, I am too old to play the game of blame and to fall for it. And because if I lack something that I should of had had it then it's because those who should of had given it to me do lack it themselves.

You can have the world's love when you grow up, have everything you need and was looking for. But all that can be in the wind the moment you feel unloved by a complete stranger, someone you know nothing about, someone you probably don't even think of even for a fraction of a second in any given day..and one word from them can kill you, make you think like a crazy and do the unthinkable to gain their love and respect
all that because your main purpose in life is to please everyone , to be loved by everyone, even those you don't love or respect.

love your kids, tell them you love them , so when they grow up they won't be looking for it in the words of others, they won't be gaining it by not being themselves to please and be loved by others.
Tell them that you love them so they can be themselves.

Looking to please and be loved by others is the roots of all evil.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

My Dreams

Who would bring my dreams and rights back to life ?
Who would make them possible?
Who would make me want to be alive and happy again ?

One thing I am sure of so far, it's not me :(

Friday, February 20, 2015

The Job that Wasn't Mine

This post is inspired by this article (Arabic).

Like every child - I guess- I wanted to be a doctor. Then , I don't remember what exactly do I want to be. After that, dreams vanish so reality would take place. Two realities actually: First, that my family is a poor one and they need someone to help them, though being before the last shouldn't be a concern of mine.Second: that women can either be doctors -which wasn't OK for most families back then- or teachers, so I became a teacher.

I was one of those first unlucky, our salaries were way below what we should have, and I was sent to a far away village, which mean we have to leave by dawn and come back at 4 every day, out of those 12 hours we used to spend 6 on the evil road.

I didn't like the job at the beginning and refused to go but was forced and hit severely to go, the only way out of that situation was through my second attempt to commit suicide and sadly that didn't work out and left me sick for a while.
The money was good - little but good- especially for someone who never have such money, and it helped us get out of situations that we couldn't otherwise.

Then I was one of the luckiest who moved back to the city in a year. Working at a school in the city is completely different , I loved it and worked hard to be something. Short story shorter things didn't work out the way I wanted or dreamed of.

I was the lone breadwinner of the family and that's tough and hard. ( Please if you are reading this and you have one breadwinner of your family don't make it harder on them by blaming or complaining.. you have no idea how shitty they feel ).

In October 2016 I will be working for 20 years. I wonder if I am qualified as being in work for 35 years cuz I never took a time off -beside the summer vacation and the Gulf War in 1990- since I first attended primary school :)

I don't know if I can or will be able to retire anytime soon, not because I will be bored to death for lack of doing things in here, but because I am still the breadwinner and I still didn't buy a house for us to settle in and because my salary isn't what it shall to be -like many- and retirement now would mean I would be back close to poverty again.

The frustrating part is that for 19 years I got no saving, I am still in debt and I didn't achieve what I was looking for, it's not my dream job, that job wasn't mine.
(let's leave it to that or else my vent would be evil)

If you asked me a few years ago "what do you want to be?" I would say a radio host or a reporter.
Now, I want to be a volunteer to save the poor and animals.Sadly, in here things aren't that easy to be done.

So until further on.. I am stuck in here and wish to be stuck here until I got what I want or find a better job emotionally and physically and with no one around :)

P.S: I am writing here to vent mostly not because I am looking for sympathy. Thank you :)