Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Worrying Is Killing Me
Right now, I care less about anyone and anything in the world , all I care about is what will happen to us..?
Nothing is happening right now at all, it's just I am terrified . A friend's cousin was killed on the hand of her husband who is an addicted. She was killed brutally.. I got the news three hours ago.
And all i am thinking of is if this is going to happen to us one day, to my mother especially, cuz honestly my brother-the one living with us, and we suspect using the same drugs-doesn't stop fighting with her over the silliest things and his reactions are always terrifying...
When will peace ever come to this small house...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Life Will Break You...
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that,
and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its
yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on
earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And
when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death
brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling
all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as
many as you could.
— Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum
Monday, February 13, 2012
Why Keep On Writing ?
I know for sure that I shouldn't.
I have always loved to write about different things. I love the process of writing itself even if all i am doing is simply copying. Then the idea of writing and publishing came to mind. But let's be honest no one who is thinking of putting their writings to the world is going to be happy when their writing is not appreciated, accepted, discussed or even commented on.
How about writing simply as a way to vent ? good idea, right? then if anyone is simply venting why any of it be put so the whole world can see. Venting supposed to be private as i think of it.
So why I am writing ? , honestly for many reasons, but mainly for this..
- to be read, known, appreciated and being told the most amazing thing about me..
and the reason is to feel that I belong, to feel loved, respected and not that outcast person I am.
What I need is to be myself, love and respect myself more and take it easy on all levels..cuz honestly I am not sure if I am even trying really hard..maybe I am but can not tell.
The thing I am doing in real life which makes a fool out of me is happening all over the places in here..blogs, facebook, twitter...etc. The huge hunger for approval, love and respect which I crave in the real world, I am looking for in here. And like all addictions things are not enough. Not one thing is enough, you will always look for more.
And I need to do something about it, so I am talking a long step away from all of this. I will keep on watching silently -which is one of my hidden talent-. I am looking for so many things in life, and I know am not alone in this, but let me be a bit selfish, can not I ?. I am probably won't find any, but I can not keep losing and humiliate myself too.
And like all people addicted to attention , I might come back...
I am not deleting any of my accounts but I won't be active in posting ,maybe just a silent reader :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
Why Would You Drop the Charges?
I am reading about the lady who was abused by her drunk husband who hit her using a screwdriver .
The article -in Arabic- here , but i guess the pictures that show what happened to her was more than enough to understand the abuse that this lady has been in and I am sure for a long time cuz such thing don't happen overnight.
This incident has happened more than a month ago and lately the newspapers were all about how she agreed to drop the charges for a divorce and a big sum of money .
It's always surprise me why would a woman who was this much abused to let it go..
let me tell why I didn't..
We have been abused gradually in our house, first by our father against us all. Then our eldest brother against us all, then the brothers against the sisters. The abused ones always turn abusers at the end.
Right now we are in a stage of emotion abuse and it's the worst.
Anyway, when our younger brother grow into this big strong man and care less about people knowing he drinks and turn into a violent man all hell broke loss.
I guess if you are a reader to this blog, you would know the whole story..
But when we reached the hitting and kicking point, it all came to me.Don't know why. The last time the hit was more violent ,he grabbed me by the hair from my room and started to hit me hard especially on my back. Eventually, he stopped and ordered me to go to my room.But then we all ran out. That day and after a very long silence I asked my eldest brother to take me to the hospital and to call the police "let's press charges against him " and the marks on my body was a blessing for the first time.
We went to the police ,then to the hospital for a report, the doctor asked why does the police need a report and we explained because we wanted to press charges and when he knew that it would be against my brother his immediate question was "why did he hit you ?". then he changed the report a bit and asked us not to do it, he felt really sorry for him, you can see it all over his face.
That same day, before my brother hit me, he hit my mother but nothing was shown on her body, so she couldn't press charges. it was all on my shoulders. We went to the police and press the charges, he was caught and everyone was happy. We went home and in the morning another hell broke loss..
After some sleeping everyone changed their mind and words started to fly all over me.
drop the charges, poor he, he is not aware, we will let him leave the house, we are going to get a restraining order against him....etc.
I felt it too, cuz it's OK to be a victim but to put your predator in prison is not good, right? !!
Like the rest, I was a chicken so I asked my mother what does she want, shall I do it or what ?. up until that time everyone knows how my mother favored her sons and loves them above all but that moment she begged me not to. Later on, I knew how scared she was mostly for the safety of my sister and I, with him drinking and his drunk friends coming to the home all the time, she knew something bad will happen one day.
When we refused to let it go and continue with the case, we were left all alone literally. We would go to the court without any one, and the worst thing is when everyone, literally everyone blames my mother for the way she raised her kids and how bad they are, and an eyebrow would be left wondering "why would he hit me and not my sister", you know that indicating that I must of have deserve it.
I used to love my father a lot, a lot..but that time he said "what have your brother done to you to put him in prison, only for beating you?" . my father was standing helpless when my brother was beating you !!
from that day my whole emotion changed towards him completely.
After almost 6 months, my brother was sentenced to 6 years and to be moved away from the city when released , the officers and the judge asked me if I want any money from him and I said no, I only wanted him out of our lives.
only a few months after that and he was released . If you read the article about the lady above you know that they were right when they told her to let it go cuz he would be
released in a few months.
The problem is that my brother left with a vengeance and a believe that we-my mother and I- put him in prison on false accusations. He came home and when I tried to leave he grab me by the arms so hard, I had to be taken to the hospital the next morning but since i didn't treat it , my arms are in constant pain to this day along with my back.
That day, I managed to run away from home and went to the police. Remember, he shouldn't be around us or in the home !!. two men helped me get there but the police refused to help, they said that as long as his father lives there then he can stay even if the house isn't in his father name. Speaking about father, when I runaway , my father was the one kept telling him to go check on me cuz I might go and bring the police.
Anyway, the police won't help, So I had to call my older brother who was in Riyadh back then and he calls home and threatened him but he won't listen, so it was up to me going from place to place to find some sane police officer who would give me his number so my older brother can call him from Riyadh. At the same time, my mother left the house and meet me at my aunt's house where everyone was explaining how silly we were and what's wrong with him coming back, he is a family after all !!. Eventually a policeman give me his number to give to my brother, my brother explained the situation and that the house is in his name and that my brother is not welcome. a unit went to the house but he ran before their arrival, making sure to break a few things on his way out. We returned back very late at night with glimpses of hate from those around us.
He never came back until we allow him to during my father's burial. He still want to come back and every time he is very close to getting out of prison he would call and say the same thing "I want to come back", but the same answer is always ready "noway, not while you are still the same" .
The problem is always with everyone around you, with the same way our society thinks that blood never becomes water. The guilt they make you feel. No one from our extended family agrees to help my brother when they can because he is a drunken man but it's OK if we endured it all.
Guilt will always consume you in such situations.
To this day, seeing how he keeps going in and out of prison
- he is the same one I talked about in the post "The Death Penalty"-
I keep thinking "why didn't I dropped the charges ? So what if I get disabled one day on his hand ? What if he killed me or my mother, aren't we all going to die one day ? .Is not it unfair to let a young man life pass by because he happened to beat the hell out of you every time he is drunk -and he is always drunk- ? What if you were abused all the time, you are not going to be the first or the last ?
Guilt can kill you..
If I knew then what I know now, I would of have dropped the charges and be done with life, it's easier this way.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Somalia
Don't forget about them, the problem is still out there, please help
Slow response to East Africa famine 'cost 'lives'
Thousands of needless deaths occurred from famine in East Africa last year because the international community failed to heed early warnings, say two leading British aid organisations.
The US government says 29,000 children under five years old died between May and July 2011
Oxfam and Save the Children say it took more than six months for aid agencies to act on warnings of imminent famine.
Between 50,000 and 100,000 people have died in Kenya, Ethiopia and Somalia.
The agencies say governments, donors, the United Nations and NGOs need to learn from the mistakes.
In a report titled A Dangerous Delay, the agencies say a culture of risk aversion stalled a large-scale aid effort.
They say part of the problem was that the governments of Kenya and Ethiopia were unwilling to admit the scale of the disaster, but also that aid agency staff felt they had seen the problem many times before.
"Many donors wanted proof of a humanitarian catastrophe before acting to prevent one," the report says.
"Sophisticated early warning systems first forecast a likely emergency as early as August 2010, but the full-scale response was not launched until July 2011."
By that time it says "malnutrition rates in parts of East Africa had gone far beyond the emergency threshold and there was high profile media coverage of the crisis".
'Grotesque situation'
At one stage during the East African famine the UN estimated that 10 million people were in need of humanitarian assistance.
Hundreds of thousands of refugees went to camps in search of food, especially those from parts of Somalia where government forces have been fighting Islamist al-Shabab militants.
The report calls on all parties to take crisis warnings more seriously.
"All members of the international system must improve their ability to prevent the worst effects of hunger crises before they happen," it says.
"The scale of death and suffering, and the financial cost, could have been reduced if early warning systems had triggered an earlier, more substantial response.
"In particular, national governments must fulfil their responsibilities to people caught up in crises and demonstrate leadership."
The agencies are urging governments to endorse the Charter to End Extreme Hunger, launched in September.
Kenya and Norway have signed up to it and the UK has expressed support.
"Britain has led the world in tackling food insecurity in East Africa in the last year and we continue to urge others to prioritise this critical issue," the UK's International Development Secretary Andrew Mitchell told the BBC.
In the report, Oxfam and Save the Children looked at their own role in the crisis as well as that of other agencies.
"We all bear responsibility for this dangerous delay," said Oxfam's Chief Executive Barbara Stocking.
"It is shocking that the poorest people are still bearing the brunt of a failure to respond swiftly and decisively."
Save the Children's Chief Executive, Justin Forsyth, said clear warnings had been ignored.
"We can no longer allow this grotesque situation to continue; where the world knows an emergency is coming but ignores it until confronted with TV pictures of desperately malnourished children," he said.
Source : BBC News
*****
Somali famine 'will kill tens of thousands'
The UN in Somalia says tens of thousands of people will have died of starvation by the time the famine in the Horn of Africa ends.
Many Somalis have fled across the border into Ethiopia to seek aid
The food crisis was declared in Somalia six months ago and levels of need are expected to remain high until July or August.
UN aid chief in Somalia, Mark Bowden, told the BBC malnutrition rates there were the highest in the world.
He said a quarter of a million Somalis were still suffering from the famine.
"We know that tens of thousands of people will have died over the last year," Mr Bowden, said, describing the rates of malnutrition as "amazingly high".
"Children will have suffered the most, malnutrition rates in Somalia were the highest in the world, and I think the highest recorded... up to 50% of the child population suffered from severe or acute malnutrition."
'Very high mortality'
Mr Bowden said malnutrition rates have begun to drop but the crisis was likely to continue for the next six or seven months.
"Fortunately they've started to come down across the board, but that does mean that there will have been a very high mortality," he said.
Somalia has not had a functioning central government for more than 20 years and has been wracked by fighting between militias.
Although $1.3bn (£84mn) worth of aid has been poured into the country, the BBC's Africa editor, Martin Plaut, says the scale of the suffering is immense.
Last year, tens of thousands of Somalis fled rural areas - many over the borders to Ethiopia and Kenya - in search of food. The UN estimates that a total of 1.5 million people have been displaced by the crisis.
The UN is calling for additional funds to replenish flocks of sheep, goats and camels so that people can re-build their lives.
Aid agencies have warned in recent months that conflict was jeopardising the aid effort, with Kenyan troops crossing into the country to fight al-Shabab - al-Qaeda-linked militants it blames for a spate of kidnappings.
Al-Shabab, which controls much of central and southern Somalia and has banned many Western aid agencies from its territory, has denied the allegations.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Helping Hand For Syrian Families
Stacey @ The Life of Me has written this post about helping the Syrian Families
Helping Hand For Syrian Families
This post is a little different and I'm asking for help for those who can give it. As a result of the instability going on in Syria right now many families are struggling financially. Businesses in Syria that catered to tourists and depended on them for a living are not making a living. Everyone in every occupation is worried about finances and feeding their family in the long run. The worse cases are those people with children who were unemployed before this mess happened, helping hands from other Syrians are harder to find as people worry about feeding their own children. Electricity is being cut anywhere from 1-3 hours a day in the city and for up to 6 hours in the suburbs, not only is this a huge inconvenience, it also forces shops and businesses to close down that don't have generators, which is about 99% of them. These businesses miss out on possible sales and still have to come up with money to take care of themselves and pay the rent for their store.
Read the Whole Post : The Life of Me
Stacy has also posted two links to the organization Islamic Relief Canada and Maher Zain to donate to the Syrian Families.
Please visit her blog and donate , people are in need, please do. And thanks in advance :)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Liebster Blog Award
First of all, Liebster means "dearest" in German. (Source)
I was giving this award by the beautiful Becky, and in picking me among five ladies she says
(is such a wonderful, optimistic and encouraging person. An avid reader who writes wonderful posts on the topic of religion, politics and human rights issues. )
dear, you won't believe how these beautiful words came at the time I mostly need them, thank you so much for the words and your award :)
accepting the award, I have to choose up to 5 of my favorite and dearest bloggers who are with less than 200 followers and inform them of it .
here are the rules ( stolen from Becky's) :)
now here are my favorite blogs with -surprisingly- less than 200 followers. Surprise cuz they are intelligent woman with amazing style of writing and very few people who knew about them !!.
Here they are in no particular order and for no particular reason they are all Saudi or in Saudi Arabia :-
*Hning @hning's Asia : I won't talk about hning or Alia-her real name- in here, I will talk about what happen to
me while reading her. Every post is a master piece in writing and while I read, I honestly don't know what exactly is happening to my brain and feelings. I don't think Alia is looking to enlighten people or think of it as her job but what she does is no less than that. And she can do them with beautiful words and short posts:)
*Nessreen/Diana @ The Secret Life of Bees, Knees : To be able to post for 350 days straight shows great will and that's what this young woman has. Last Ramadan when I came from Mecca pretty depressed her site was the one i haven logged on and reading her -most times- less than two paragraphs, she managed to show me a way, to make me feel great. To be able to live in this country when you have a chance to be out and still surviving is great :)
*White Freedom @ My White Freedom : Age taught me to be careful of what I say about my country, make me look behind me when I write something negative, but "Freedom" is indeed one who is not afriad. She care less when it's about "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth", she really represent the young Saudi ladies who are frustrating with the lack of jobs and politics.
*Dania @Above and Byond : You really won't believe me if I say that I have never comment on this lady's blog and I am sure she knows nothing about me or my existing, I am actually wondering how to tell her about this award !!. But here's what I know, she is brilliant with words and from what I read so far in her blog, I think she is on her way to achieve things I know she deserves and should get. The blog is very personal but you can not read her without wondering about your life and be happy about every good step she is taking and worried about the heartbreaks.
Off to tell the ladies :)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The Death Penalty
Last week, i had the worst nightmare, I still remember it vividly despite being famous for not remembering any dreams.
My younger brother who is in and out of prison all the time and who is in prison right now has been sentenced to three years last week, he was so relive to get the news as he was expecting the death penalty this time, not because he has killed anyone but because he has done multiply crimes through the years attacking people and that is considered to be punishable by death in the sharia law applied in Saudi Arabia based on this verse in the Quran .
| {33} إِنَّمَا جَزَاءُ الَّذِينَ يُحَارِبُونَ اللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ وَيَسْعَوْنَ فِي الْأَرْضِ فَسَادًا أَنْ يُقَتَّلُوا أَوْ يُصَلَّبُوا أَوْ تُقَطَّعَ أَيْدِيهِمْ وَأَرْجُلُهُمْ مِنْ خِلَافٍ أَوْ يُنْفَوْا مِنَ الْأَرْضِ ذَلِكَ لَهُمْ خِزْيٌ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَلَهُمْ فِي الْآخِرَةِ عَذَابٌ عَظِيمٌ |
The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His Messenger, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is: execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land: that is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the Hereafter;"
|
He would be in the category of those "strive with might and main for mischief through the land"
That day I got the worst nightmare that I could remember in my whole life, and like all my nightmares it happened in my grandfather building where we used to live.
There, the authority brought my brother in front of the house and the moment they took him out of the car they started killing him by the sword in front of my eyes, I couldn't stop screaming and yelling to my mom that they did it and for the first time I saw how helpless he was -and he is never but an aggressive young man-. I woke up shaking like never before. And till this day I can not forget the dream and the pain I felt in it and when I woke up.
I have talked many times here about my relationship with my brothers especially the younger one but this post is actually not about him. It's actually about death penalty in general.
In the previous years, I became more and more a huge believer of all peaceful movements and approaches towards all things happening in our life including "the Death penalty".I am at least 90 % against it right now and for its halt everywhere in the world. "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind" as Gandhi said and that violence has solved nothing.
To ask for the death penalty for a criminal won't bring those innocent ones back. And yes those killers are victims themselves, victim of the injustice they have been through their whole life. we are born innocent and pure, none of us born evil or good, it's what nurture and nature do to us that turn us to who we are.
How can we bring back the justice to someone who has been killed and tortured by killing those responsible for it whether we kill them by sword-my country's favorite way- or by hanging or guns. !!
In my country millions of dollars are collected all the time to save someone from the death penalty because the dead victim's family say the will forgive him if "such amount of time is paid" and that amount of time is always by millions. How can a million or ten bring you the peace of mind and heart after losing your loved ones .
Nothing brings that peace but forgiveness .
From a religious point of view-and you probably know by now that i don't follow the steps of religion all the way-doesn't the Quran ask us to be forgiven and insist on that all the way ?
And from a mean person point of view, locking someone for life or twenty years is a greater way to make them suffer than killing them.
What surprises me in me is despite my believe in everything peaceful, I still gloat when someone evil is killed by the hero in movies and always look for excuses for the evil guy to be killed so innocent people would live happily.
But seriously how can people's lives be saved if bad guys are not killed such as the Syrian president right now ? "Wondering"
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