I am almost forty and I admit it, I don't have a goal to live for , I have no purpose.
How do one find his/her goal in this life ? the thing you need to fight for, live for and probably die for !!!
I used to dream big, and one of my dreams was to find the work of my life and to leave this country for good, but things changed the moment I started working 16 years ago when I became the only breadwinner of the family.
At first I was so proud of that, then I realize that it's my duty or probably my goal, and along the way I complained very few times to myself mostly because deep down I feel like I failed in completing the job. Then things got completed when I grow up and realized that I am not happy with work and life in general. I hate being a teacher, but the salary is good and you can't skip something like that to pursue a dream that is impossible to find in this country.
I thought of pursing my studies, who knows maybe an opportunity would open for me, but I can not spend that much money into that "luxury". So what to do?. Teaching can kill your soul in here, so I applied for a deputy principle position, they accept me along with hundreds of teachers but jobs will be filled only when there is a need which can be in months or years and that's happened almost a year and a half ago, so I am still stuck at being teacher.
I am, also, eager to leave the place where I work, that building, those people, I want to start over in a new place with people I never knew before and won't be close or friends with ever.
The scary thing is feelings like losing it.. I am lost with no purpose to think or dream of and so all I am thinking of is what's next? what's in five, ten or even twenty years?. Am I only living for my family? what about me?.
What's even scarier is what I think is happening to me, I have never treated myself or seen a shrink in my life, not for any of the things I have been through and I think it's taking its toll on me, it's disguising in a smart way around me in different forms like "it's just liking to be lonely and by myself", "it's just an increase appetite to food", but the idea that sometimes I can not wake up from bed to go to school despite being fine, the struggle with staying for even as little as five hours at work and not being able to read a book that I was dying for a day or two ago is scaring me, I don't diagnose myself at all but is it depression? is it something else?.
I know for sure that all I need is to find a goal? and I know that suggestion won't help because I need to find it within.
I just wonder when will I find it? you know when we keep saying that things come at the right time, I hope that the purpose and the goal's time would be now, cuz it's slipping,. I know that if it didn't show up now I would live but my soul is drying and dying and I am afraid to lose it.
I keep praying to at least be stronger but my prayers are not answered and that's frightened me even more for different reasons.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Tell us about a time where everything you'd hoped would happen actually did
that time would never happen unless I am imagining it, and I do, all the time.
A time where all my financial problems go away ,
a time where all my family troubles vanish,
a time where I have a purpose to live by,
a time where I can be myself, proud of who I am,
a time where I work and do what I love and aspire too,
a time where I won't have to regret life on daily basis and keep wondering about my purpose ,
a time where I don't have to wonder if I am depress because I am thinking of my life and found no meaning to it,
Posted by Wafa at 10:26 PM
Friday, May 17, 2013
Internet Ranting and the Myth of Catharsis
Are Blocking Beliefs Stopping you from Attaining Your Dreams?
7 Damaging Myths About Self-Care
15 Simple Ways to Put Meaning Back into Your Life
6 Ways You Are Your Own Worst Enemy
Dare to Live: 10 Unconventional Ways to Be True to Yourself
The Hunger for More: What We Really Want and Need
How Your Mind Sabotages Your Life and How to Stop It
Releasing the Need for Approval and Making Peace with Yourself
Stop the Drama Train
8 Things You Can't Learn in a Classroom
7 Positive Things You Should Say Today
8 Effective Ways to Let Go and Move on
What Not to Say to Someone Who is in Chronic Pain
9 Things Not to Say to Someone with Mental Illness
Racism and Low I.Q.
The Universal Language
Gitmo is not an Anomaly
Afghan Women Escape Marriage through Suicide.
Posted by Wafa at 2:19 PM
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Can you hate someone for a short period of time or even for minutes daily ?
Sometimes it's too much and since I can't upset "that someone" not out of shortage of harsh words but because I love them, so the only thing I can do is to simply keep it boiling inside of me and hate that someone for a short period of time when it is needed.
Life is way tough to go on so we don't need "others" to try to control us, I know that these people do it out of love sometimes but they need to know that we know better, too.
It's just a vent :)
Posted by Wafa at 8:06 PM
Friday, May 10, 2013
How do you know you have grown up ?
not by the wrinkles around your eyes, but by the positive changes you have gone through in your life.
but how do you know they are positive ?
when they turn you into an understanding, loving, respecting, caring and with a mind of your own person. Only then you know that these changes are positive ones..
One of the things that this blog has helped me achieve is noticing the changes I have gone through in life. Writing in general does that to us, because it help us compare between the old, the new and the ever changing self.
And through these changes and growth , you lose a lot and gain a lot.
you lose people you loved and respect. But know that they never loved YOU, they love the idea of you cuz those who really love you never stop loving you if your ideas, thoughts and approaches towards life had changed.
"a whisper to those virtual friends who left "
As long as I am alive, I am going to change and be a better version of my self, a version I am so proud of , which was an a goal of my life .
Posted by Wafa at 2:03 PM
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Posted by Wafa at 2:46 AM
Thursday, April 18, 2013
I don't know if it's a negative thing, because I actually think that it's a solution for so many things.
One chance to be free
People, if we can think of them as things.
Posted by Wafa at 12:19 AM
Saturday, April 13, 2013
It's not easy to be a moderate Muslim in Saudi Arabia, and in a wide part of the Muslims world these days.
I know there are so many people who struggle so that their religion and their lives can be compatible because they don't want to lose either, but it's hard and it's getting harder everyday around here, and many are losing their faith because they couldn't ,not out of lack of choices but because it's hard to be a moderate Muslim in Saudi Arabia.
Things are tending to extremism daily in all aspects of life, it's a rarity that you can find a scholar who can make it OK to live a good modern life and be a Muslims too in here, they are often fought of by others.
They keep saying that Islam is for all times and that Quran is a book for all eras , but they tend to interpret it in ways that seem impossible for Islam and modern era to live side by side, they make it seem like Islam is a religion of the past. And no one can or dare fight them, because they are louder and stronger.
Religion has always been a part of my life since early childhood, no one taught me how to pray, I learned it myself. I am also a seeker of knowledge, I never believe that faith is believing blindly. And I always seek answers to things that my heart and mind can't accept. Some believe that asking too many questions can lead to a disaster... but at least it's a disaster of our choice knowing what we know.
I don't think Allah wants me to worship without really believing and understanding and that can't come without asking so many questions, because worshiping without really accepting and believing is not called faith.
The older I get the bigger the questions in my head, so I can not accept interpretations that are in so much contradictions with basic human rights, for example most scholars here -even the moderate ones- believe that Shia are not Muslim, and they keep twisting the verses of the Quran and the sayings of the Prophet to prove their point, the sad part if that huge number of population are believing them.
I believe hugely in human rights, that's why I am in the wrong place and the wrong job, and want my religion to accept and embrace them too. But according to scholars most of these rights are not accepted by Islam. I know that's it's not a necessity for everything I believe in to be in good terms with Islam, but my heart wants that and that's why I keep struggling.
For instance, why is it wrong to be a gay when it's not your choice? it's easier to believe it's a choice and it's gays faults, but it's not, this is how they were born. All religions keep telling the story of Lot , his people and the punish they received, but I don't believe it's because they are gays -as some call them-.
I know how controversial that topic is, so let's leave it aside,
... now what about -importantly- my situation as a women in Saudi Arabia.
How can I accept that I was mainly created for the pleasure of men,
that I am a half,
that a man is better than a woman simply because he is a man,
that I am mostly going to hell no matter what, just because I am a woman,
that I am supposed to cover up this way or considered a trash and sinful,
that I have to obey my husband even if he rape me and was evil to me,
that I have to obey my father and brother, including the younger, just because they are men and knows better,
that a man can rule me simply because he is a man,
that I can not drive a car in the name of Islam and called "whore" if I asked for that right,
that I have limited jobs because women shouldn't be mixing with men ,
that I can not have my dream job simply because the limited jobs women can have,
that I am to be blamed if a man harass me or raped me because I was not covering up and tempting the poor fella or even getting out of the house,
that I can not move or travel without a male guardian's approval,
that I can not live independently and alone because it's easily to be corrupted since I am a woman.
that I only can be married if shown or displayed to a suitor,
that my male guardian can marry me off without my approval if he sees it's best for me,
that I can not marry the one I want without the approval of my male guardian,
that my husband can marry a second, a third, and a fourth without my approval,
that my husband can divorce me without my knowledge,
that my children can be taken from me when divorced - or best scenario when they are seven- simply because a father- a man- is better in taking care of them.
that a group of men can speak in my name , about me, and how to live my life.
That's all happen in my country in the name of Islam.
I know that rules differ from an Islamic country to another but most of them are secular countries and don't follow in the footstep of the Saudi version of Islam.
I can not accept to call other sects and religions "infidel" simply because they are not Muslims, I truly believe in the coexistence of all religions and believes,
I can not accept to be ruled by a corrupted government ,
I can not accept that's it's not my right to speak freely because that might lead to protests which is not Islamic,
I can not accept that criticizing a group of people might lead me to being labeled "infidel".
That's all happen in my country in the name of Islam.
There are different ways to go on with your life, and accepting that "they" know better is one of them, but I can't accept that because "I" know better too, I am smart woman who knows how to look for knowledge and guidance.
Sadly that's not the case in my country and because of that and more being a moderate Muslim in Saudi Arabia is not easy at all.
Posted by Wafa at 9:26 PM
Thursday, March 28, 2013
What do you bound yourself to ?
What did you do to yourself to make it slave to something or someone?
We keep telling ourselves that we can't live our lives without this thing or that person and we suffer hugely when we are no longer with them or when we don't have that thing we need.
And sometimes it took us years to find out that "it" or "they" weren't the most important in our lives and we can go on living without "it" or "them".
But until we realized that simple fact , they would of have taken the real things that should mean something, the things and people whom we really should be bounding ourselves to.
We lose a phone , our internet connection is broken, a lover dumped us, someone moves out ..
and we we think that life is never going to be the same, we bound ourselves to them so much that the idea of living without "it" or "them" might be death itself.
Why did we do that to ourselves?
Why do we keep doing that ?
Living should be free, should be happiness and connecting to the world not the items and materials of the world ..
Is it the media ?
Did they destroy our lives completely and print in our souls and minds that we can not live without the things we bound ourselves to ?
the things and the people who "own" us !!!
Posted by Wafa at 6:29 PM